The Second Arrow By Roberta Halpern

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The Second Arrow by Roberta Halpern

“In the end, my daughter wrote that she hated me and I believed her,” Roberta writes in the opening pages of her book. She had proof-it was in the journal that held her suicide note. “Suicide notes are overrated,” she adds.She had dealt with loss before. Her younger daughter Lisa, at age 18, died in a car accident just 17 years before. There was no guilt there-just sadness, immense sadness.But, suicide? Suicide is different-complicated, with many conflicting feelings.And the relationship with her daughter had been rocky, as Suzanne struggled with addictions for many years. It was easier to forgive Suzanne, but not herself. She was the mother and should have done more.In the first year, shock and distractions kept Roberta from experiencing her deepest feelings. When space opened up, she began to crash. She went inward and became isolated. She suffered from anxiety and panic attacks. She became fascinated with the topic of suicide.An incident in a coffee shop caused her such rage, it scared her. She had begun to think of taking her own life. She knew she needed more help. Roberta finds acupuncture helpful. Joining an Brazilian Samba-Reggae drum group, turns into an almost comical stage-fright disaster.Eventually, she finds a therapist for more support. Ultimately, she must make a decision to release herself from a life sentence of guilt. She is almost there..It’s March 2020 when the pandemic hits. Confronted with more challenges-a set-back, a re-tramatization occurs. As her aging mother requires more care, the weight of guilt becomes too heavy. Inspired by something she read,Roberta decides to experiment with taking herself “off the hook” for her daughter’s suicide.The lightness she experiences turns into freedom to remember Suzanne at her best, instead of at her worst. The world opens up. A trip to see the Northen Lights becomes possible. Joy and awe return, and a new loving relationship with her daughter is created.